Philanthropy
by written-roses
Summary: Your handy guide to surviving the post SOP world. Rated T to be safe. Funfic. Comedic fail-ness. *IN PROGRESS*
1. Philanthropy: Your handy guide

**Beta: **You know the drill: ALL MINE. ALL MISTAKES ARE MINE. T_T

**Disclaimer: **As always, I don't get to own any of the things that are mentioned - you can thank Hideo Kojima for that.  
>The only thing I own is this laptop I'm writing on and the words that are coming out of my head to the page you are currently reading.<p>

**Notes: :**  
>+ I have<em> absolutely<em> no idea where this idea came from.  
>+ Forgive me if things seem out of character a little bit. It's more fun that way I guess.<br>+ Input is appreciated :)

* * *

><p><span>Introducing<span>

** PHILANTHROPY  
><strong>_To let the world be._

Your handy guide  
>of tips and tricks and other useful things.<p>

_Foreword_

Thank you for purchasing this handy guide  
>written by members and supporters of Philanthropy.<br>100% of the Proceeds of this guide will be donated to this cause  
>so go on! Buy more copies! Give them to your friends! Your Neighbours!<br>Your family! Your Cat!

We hope you'll find this informative and useful as you'll go through  
>your mundane everyday life.<p>

However, if you do follow the advice written in this handy pocket edition guide  
>we accept no responsibility and liability for any mishaps, accidents, explosions, cooking disasters or fires that may or may not happen.<p>

Remember this:

** ** **PHILANTHROPY****  
><strong>_To Let the World be  
><em>

* * *

><p><em>Dedication<em>

This guide is dedicated to all the men and woman who served to make our world a better place.


	2. Chapter One: How to make Eggs for Three

**Chapter One: Cooking Eggs for Three**

_Sunny Gurlukovich (_Санни Гурлюкович)

* * *

><p>Hi! :)<p>

My name is Sunny and today (or maybe whenever you are reading this) I'll be teaching you how to make eggs!

Eggs are very good for you!

They contain a lot of Protein and Choline and taste absolutely delicious whatever way you cook them. They are also on the food pyramid but I can't remember which tier...I think they were classified as a meat for some reason but who knows?

Anyway, back on the Nomad we had three chickens – Solidus, Liquid and Solid.  
>And even today they still produce yummy eggs for me to cook for Snake and Otacon! 3<p>

First of all, I'm going to teach you a song that I sing while cooking eggs, I think it makes them taste better because it's made with love :3  
>It goes: "Da da, Da da. Da da da da da daaaa! Da da da ...da da da da daaaaa da daaa." *<p>

So without further ado! I shall teach you how to make my Sunny Side Up Eggs! In less than 20 steps! :3  
>Remember, The key to cooking is to keep whose eating it in mind – that way they'll be nummy and delicious when they're done!<p>

-Sunny

**What you need:**

+ Three Eggs  
>+ A Non-Stick Frying Pan<br>+ An Element/gas cooker

+ Spatula

+ Plate & fork  
>+ Crate (to stand on if you can't reach the frying pan.)<p>

+ Ga-Ko (or similar)

**Instructions:**

1. Take out the frying pan and place on element or gas cooker

2. Turn on element/gas cooker on medium heat

3. Wait for pan to heat up

4. Start singing song :3

5. Crack one egg into the pan

6. Crack the other egg into the pan

7. Crack the last egg into the pan

8. Place lid on pan

9. You should still be singing! :3

10. Get Ga-Ko and set for one minute

11. Think who you are cooking for!

12. Set plate and fork ready

13. Once Ga-ko has gone off – take lid off pan!

14. Watch for the steam! (especially if you got Glasses like Hal)

15. Slide spatula under eggs! Be careful! It's hot!

16. Slide eggs onto plate

17. It's ready to eat!

I hope you like them!  
>Back on the Nomad they were my Sunny Side Up Fortune Telling Eggs. Which meant whenever they turn out well – it means something good was going to happen! I hope your eggs turned out good just like mine!<p>

-Sunny

* If you'd like more information about Sunny's Tune, please visit the official Philanthropy Website.

* * *

><p>Otacon placed the Guide back down; Re adjusting his glasses,<br>"Remind me why Sunny is the first chapter of the guide and not mine or yours?"  
>Snake raised an eyebrow; "Because you're the one who said; 'oh Sunny! You should be the first person to write out a tip for everyone' or something along those lines." He placed his copy of the Philanthropy guide down and stretched.<br>"It's not like I wrote three chapters of this guide..._Hal._" He glared and picked up the guide and turned the page, wondering who was next.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>Did you like it? Reviews are love and Suggestions are worthy of a thousand eggs. 3


	3. Chapter Two: The Art of Disguise

**Chapter two: Mastering the art of disguise**

_David (Solid Snake)_

* * *

><p>War has changed.<br>And so has the way of keeping ourselves protected – bullet proof vests and battlefield make up, yes they are useful, but not these days.

Disguises and keeping yourself safe is crucial when you are on the battlefield (or similar)  
>You do not know where your enemy is.<br>You do not know if you're adequately prepared for such enemies.  
>You are their worst enemy; keeping yourself hidden will mean least blood spilled on the battlefield.<p>

Here are some strategies so you can keep yourself safe and well hidden:

_Cardboard Box_

The Cardboard is your best friend.  
>Yes it may just be made out of corrugated card and it isn't the prettiest thing around but it is a handy tool to have around. It is easy to assemble and it is easy to pull apart and therefore making it the cleverest device that you could ever own.<p>

Use it to fool your enemies, hide underneath it – even have a ration while you can before you start moving to your next point. Restore your psyche and gain your stamina back.  
>= Remember, it's just made out of card. It won't last forever if you get shot at.<br>But then again – it's your own bloody fault for getting shot at in the first place – you're not doing a good job at being stealth.

_Barrel_

You'll find these everywhere but make sure it isn't filled to the brim with oil or else you're on your own on the front.  
>When you find your empty barrel, make sure it's clean of any questionable residue – if it's clean and it smells reasonably good then you've got yourself a new friend.<p>

Hide in it, Walk around within it. The best thing about the barrel is that you can roll your enemies over with it. Be careful though – it made me vomit more than you can imagine.

_Garbage Container_

Just jump in there and listen to your enemies run past.  
>It might smell.<br>And you might get cockroaches crawling over you.  
>It's your own damn fault that you're getting chased by the enemy and you have to go in the garbage container in the first place.<p>

_Octocamo_

If you got a friend who has access to DARPA then go ahead and snagged the designs and get someone who is good with computers and a sewing machine and make one of these. This saved my skin more than I'd like to imagine. It changes colours and texture, makes you stronger and faster and keeps you out of enemy sight.  
>It is not a lame excuse to say that certain...mature people can wear it to make themselves feel younger.<p>

_Dark Shady Areas Away From Intense Battle_

It doesn't take an idiot to figure this one out.  
>You should have taken this route in the first place.<p>

* * *

><p>He took off his reading glasses and rubbed his eyes; "So, what do you think? It's pretty good huh?" Dave placed the book down and stretched, rubbing his left shoulder muscles to get rid of the cramp that was starting to form.<p>

"U-Uncle Hal, M-maybe I should try the G-garbage C-can trick at School w-whenever those p-people start t-teasing me" Sunny piped up, her bright smiling face popping out behind the book.  
>"Uh, no Sunny. That's...not a good idea" Hal re-adjusted his glasses.<p>

"W-why not?"  
>"B...because it's un-hygienic and Snake, you do realize...Kids are going to read this right?"<p>

Snake glanced over at Sunny;  
>"Use the Dark Shady Area technique."<br>Hal turned the page and started reading;  
>"I still prefer Lockers."<p>

* * *

><p><strong>AN: ** Oh Wow! A Whole lot of favs for this short drably fic!  
>Thanks for your support and apologies for late update – I have University Exam coming up and as much as I want to put Metal Gear as a priority first...unfortunately my priority right now is studying for one stupid exam.<br>I have no idea how long this series will go, I think I'll add the RAT PT 01 team and Drebin for some humor. But yes :3

Oh. And Apologies if Snake was OC – I have a hard time writing him.  
>Fav and Save. Review if you wanna give me ideas! :3<p> 


	4. Chapter Three: Humans and Cigarettes

**Chapter Three: Convincing humans to give you your cigarettes**

_Little Gray  
>Note: This text has been kindly translated by Drebin 893 to the best of his knowledge.<br>Remember – Eye Have You._

* * *

><p>Are you sick of your boring nine to five job?<br>I know I am.  
>You know.<p>

I am a monkey.  
>When you probably think of monkeys, you probably think of these hairy creatures climbing trees, eating bananas and fighting with other apes and just sitting around picking our nose all day.<p>

Not me.

I, Little gray, helps the guy who feeds me, Drebin, save the world from utter destruction.  
>Humans do always underestimate an animals intuition – after all, I do recall <em>I was the one <em> who warned Old Snake and Drebin of incoming doom of the Beauty and the Beat Corps – what do I get? Nothing but a "boo." and a "shoo."

But let me tell you human folks, sometimes, a monkey gotta do, what a monkey gotta do.  
>- and that is obtaining cigarettes, preferably the The Boss kind, the one with 16mg of Tar.<p>

And the secret to obtaining those delicious, hand rolled, filtered cigarettes is with three easy steps:

**Step One: Act adorable and raise your hand out with a 'pleaseeeeeee' look.  
><strong>Usually, most humans will give into you. There's this thing called the 'puppy dog eyes' where you act all adorable and for some reason, humans will give into you. If it worked, congratulations – just hope they lit the cigarette first.

**Step Two: Make them feel guilty – give 'em an Apple.  
><strong>If Step one didn't work then blackmail them – remember how scientists or doctors keep saying that Smoking is bad for you? Then remind them of that. Initiate a trade – I trade you an apple, for my cigarette – that way, I smoke and you can live longer by eating that shiny Apple.  
>Usually, this doesn't work but some un-suspecting fool might fall for it.<p>

**Step Three: If all else fails, use your monkey instincts and just snatch it out of their hands.  
><strong>If Step one or two failed for you. Well, you're a monkey or at least a human with an ounce of quick movement – just snatch the damn thing out of their hands and laugh at them and start smoking it in front of them. It's not like they're going smoke it – they don't want monkey germs.

And that, my dear humans, fellow apes, animals of any kind – is how you can obtain these wonderfully, un-healthy vices. Note of caution though – you're more likely be made to throw it out or give it back. I know Drebin doesn't let me smoke in the Stryker.

In fact, it's probably better if you don't take up smoking at all, because I heard those things kill you anyway. Stick with the Narc cola** – at least you can have burping competitions.

_**Please note, that we are not sponsered by Narc Cola nor were we paid to mention their product in this guide._

* * *

><p>The three sat in silence.<p>

"H..How the hell did a _monkey _have a say in this book?" Otacon fumed, he scratched his head;  
>"Let alone, how did his so called 'tip' come straight after yours Dave?"<p>

"You thought that was a problem? The damn thing not only stole my cigarette on multiple occasions but how DARE he called me OLD" Dave took off his glasses and rubbed his temples. Even though he quit smoking a long time ago, the frustration he felt whenever he came across that monkey was borderline anger.

"…I-I want to know h-how a t-tip about g-getting cigarettes made it into our b-book."

The men stared at Sunny.  
>Whoever checked over the tips that made it into their philanthropy book had questions to answer for – let alone a monkey giving advice.<p>

"Drebin has a lot to answer for" Dave spoke  
>"Monkeys can't be that smart" Otacon replied<br>"Touché. You've never been in a jungle" Dave rolled his eyes and placed his glasses back on, wondering how much lower this book can go.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **This has been sitting on my laptop for a long time, but never had the time to upload it due to medical reasons, university and general laziness. Thank you to those who subscribed/following/commented/liked this series – sorry to keep you all waiting!  
>As always, Review and comment please with ideas<p>

**SUPER IMPORTANT A/N: ** SMOKING IS BAD FOR YOU. DON'T TAKE IT UP. OTHERWISE I'LL SEND SUNNY TO YOU AND SHE CAN SCREAM AND YELL AT YOU TO STOP SMOKING.


End file.
